Rejecting the shame! What a beautiful picture of what it means to embrace our belovedness. Shame communicates with the word “but.” Rejecting the shame uses the word “and.”

Day 2

Barriers to Desire, 1:5-7

Read the verses

The beloved in these verses laments the fact that her brothers made her work in the vineyards. The result? She does not take care of her own vineyard and therefore she describes herself as dark and burned by the sun. Much as in our world today, the ancient world saw one’s skin color and appearance as an expression of worth and privilege. Unfortunately, the bride seems to be experiencing a sense of shame around the state of her appearance. She may not feel like she measures up to others who may be more worthy to interact with a king. 

Shame says that we are not enough, that something is wrong with us, or that we are unworthy. It may have arisen from messages we heard growing up (“you won’t amount to anything”), or the way we were treated. Maybe we were always the last one picked to be on a team on the school playground or we found ourselves being bullied. As children, our response is often to internalize and take in these messages, but they do not reflect reality. 

Shame does not magically disappear, but it is healed in the context of relationship. It is in a relationship of love that we journey through shame, not around it. Notice that the beloved says, “I am very dark but lovely.” She acknowledges the presence of shame as she also clings to something new that is emerging: loveliness. The Hebrew word connotes one who is lovable and desirable. And that is where we start, believing that we are desirable.

Why is it important to address shame? And, what does it have to do with our life with God? Shame keeps us in a cycle of striving … striving to measure up, to be enough, to be worthy. When we get stuck in these kind of cycles, it keeps us from the vulnerability and openness that we most desire. As you consider shame in your own life, it might show up as a tendency to over perform and earn worthiness (even if you’ve never said it that way) or it could show up as distancing yourself from love because you don’t believe you are worth it. 

In many religious contexts, shame is used as a weapon to “motivate” or move people to action. God is often portrayed as one who reinforces shame-based messages.  There is high value placed on seeing oneself as unworthy in many spiritual communities. It may produce short term motivation, but it does not reflect the heart of God that results in deep transformation. 

Can you identify a place of shame in your life? A helpful question is “what happened to me?” rather than “what is wrong with me?”

Notice in verse 7 that the beloved asks, in effect: “God, where are you?” In the Garden of Eden, the man and woman encounter shame and hide. God, in His grace, comes with the question, “where are you?” In His question, He offers grace as well as desire for connection. As we see our shame for what it is, we are invited to ask the question, “God, where are you?” not inquiring because of uncertainty regarding location, but because our desire for connection … the connection that heals and restores.

Lord, where are You?

Author and professor Chuck DeGroat writes that “shame disconnects, shame ruptures, shame alienates, but relationship restores. Think about it. Who wants to look up when you are in shame? It’s excruciating to be seen. Adam and Eve hid. And so do we. Shame begins in disconnection and it thrives in disconnection. No substance can soothe it. No mantra can make it better. No achievement can alleviate it. Its power can only be dissipated in the face and voice of another who shows care, empathy and love. Connection conquers shame. Can you look up and meet the eyes of one who sees you in beauty, goodness, and love? Can you listen for the voice of One who pursues you, even in your shame, whispering ‘where are you?’”

Finally, the beloved addresses the lover as “you whom my soul loves …” which is a nickname of sorts. There is a recognition that the deepest, truest reality of the heart is love for God … a desire for God. As we embrace this reality of our soul, we begin to see our shame healed and rather than hiding, we move toward God. In the words of Hebrews 12, we reject the shame. 

Rejecting the shame! What a beautiful picture of what it means to embrace our belovedness. Shame communicates with the word “but.” Rejecting the shame uses the word “and.” Imagine the beloved moving to a place of saying “I am dark and lovely.” Rejecting the shame does not mean that we act like it isn’t there but instead we trust something deeper.

Reflection  |  Consider a place of shame in your life. Can you express it and add “and” along with a statement of your belovedness? 

Prayer  |  Lord God, the one whom my soul loves, may I live with a sense of what my soul loves which is deeper and more powerful than any sense of shame. I desire you.